It took 25 and a half years, but I am happy to report that Richard Simmons is the first man who has genuinely cared about the happy and healthy state of my ass.
And I do mean my ass.
The same ass that life kicked repeatedly during the first half of this year, when I was laid off from my job the same time four of my friends moved away – but I digress. My ass is back in business now, thanks to my pal Rich.
Yeah, you’re probably wondering why I decided to dedicate my time to such an old fashioned physical activity instead of going to Zumba or a Life Time Fitness like a regular person in the 21st century.
Well, first of all, 1980’s aerobics are eternal. And second of all, activewear truly isn’t what it used to be. I really only trust women who work out in denim overalls and adult leotards, and men who sweat in purple polo shirts and shrunken trunks. Sorry if that’s a problem for you.
Judge me all you want, but my Richard Simmons video collection actually began when I was in fourth grade. I was at a neighbor’s garage sale, sorting through a stack of CDs, in hopes that the little girl who lived at the house no longer wanted her Lizzie McGuire Movie soundtrack. Instead, my attention was drawn to the cover of a flashy VHS sleeve nearby.
On it, stood a man with an explosive hair-do and an itsy bitsy pair of striped shorts. I was charmed immediately, so I paid 50 cents to see what kind of magic this video tape held. Turns out, it held an entire life change…one that would take place 16 years in the future.
As I mentioned, I was dealing with a whole lot of negativity earlier this year. I could write you a novel about all of it, but let’s just say I had lost control of pretty much everything in my life. I couldn’t even eat what I wanted anymore because I had also developed an allergy to gluten. Isn’t that neat?!
So, what the hell could I manage? A coworker at the time (before I was laid off) told me that exercise was my best bet. (Thanks, Mina!) After I spent another two months crying about having to get off my ass to improve myself, I rediscovered my workout tape collection…and I didn’t waste any more time.
The journey to happy began immediately. First came the unusual (for me) sweating. Then the endorphins. Then the realization that I had actually been dealing with a three year long mental breakdown, not just half a year, like I had assumed.
Y’know, I like to blame a lot of my current problems on the round of Accutane I took in college, and although I was hella depressed and gained 40 pounds during that time two years ago, I had never truly known what it meant to “take care of myself” or what people meant by “self love.” I thought it was bogus.
That is, until I started spending quality time with Mr. Simmons this summer.
I think we can all agree that it is difficult to ignore someone who is half naked, screaming things like “YOU’RE MADE OF STEEL!” and “keep blooming; I love you” while you’re doing power lunges in your living room (if this isn’t the type of life coaching you’d be interested in, you’re lying).
But it has also been hard to ignore the dramatic lift in my negative emotions and in my anxiety. Not to mention my waist shrinking by two sizes and my jawline making a sudden reappearance – all in six months. People have also told me I “carry myself differently” now, whatever that means.
Y’all, I even led a line dance at a wedding recently, using his choreography. So I know that this shit is real.
I was also inspired to make some big millennial life decisions that erased even more of the pain: I deleted Tinder. I deleted Snapchat. And I stopped bleaching my hair. Sweatin’ to the Oldies cast a rainbow over my life, and you already know that Richard Simmons is dancing in that pot of gold…and guess what. So am I.
In conclusion, if you find yourself in a pit of a emotional doom like I did at the beginning of the year, my unsolicited advice to you is to throw on some spandex, throw on a workout tape, and throw all of your troubles away. And when you do, please invite me over so we can dance together.
You can find both VHS players and Richard Simmons video tapes at your local Goodwill – but some of the routines are also available on YouTube. You’re welcome.
Keep blooming. I love you.
America's most unwanted 