I’m sorry to bring down the mood. I don’t typically share my deep feelings and vulnerability with strangers right off the bat…but we’ve all been through this. And I believe I can trust all of you as my support system, for the time being.
After years of commitment, I have landed in a place where I feel truly weak and defeated – more so than I ever thought possible. This was the most in love I have ever been in in 25 years. I never thought I’d even have to consider picturing my life without this sort of happiness, but here I am.
The number of times I’ve cried myself to sleep lately is unimaginable. And when I finally do fall asleep, I dream of moments that I could’ve savored for much longer. Moments that I have to fight myself to forget…moments that will never repeat, even on my best days.
I often find myself staring at the ceiling, thinking about what I’m missing, and what I no longer get to hold. Sometimes I wake up at 3 AM, and all I want to do is go to IHOP alone and binge on Nutella crepes, but I’ve been told that that’s irrational.
Even worse, it seems like everyone around me is as happy as all get-out, smiling, laughing and having their cake and eating it too.
But that’s just it. I can’t have the cake at all. And I never will be able to…because I’m allergic to gluten.
Gluten was everything to me. No matter how shitty of a day I had, it was always there for me – ice cold Blood & Honeys, Chick Fil A chicken nuggets and chocolate chip cookies – these were just some of the little pieces of what made me who I am. Even every year for my birthday, it was there. But on my most recent birthday, we parted ways for good.
It’s hard to sit here and listen to people tell me that there are alternatives. I don’t believe that anything you truly love can easily be replaced. Gluten free bread and macaroni often prove to be a disappointment and complete waste of time and money. The more I try to convince myself that rice pasta tastes good, the more I crave Kraft blue box dinners. The same goes for gluten free bread and King’s Hawaiian Rolls.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that something that I once loved, now only hurts me. To think that we can’t even be friends anymore, because I’ll get sick, is what cuts the deepest.
But I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe one day I’ll find love again. And maybe one day, it won’t hurt this much.
America's most unwanted 