The entire month of August, I’ve done nothing but embarrass myself. So, to make my present self feel better, I’ve decided to recall some stupid shit my past self has done. Here it goes:
-In first grade, we were given two pencil pouches in our school supply kit. I decided the best use for my spare pouch was a personal trash bag. I left it across the room one day and when my teacher found it and found out it belonged to me, she scolded me in front of the whole class as she pulled out every last Ritz Bits wrapper.
-In second grade, I collided with a boy’s forehead during a game of capture-the-flag and had to leave school to visit the dentist because my teeth almost fell out.
-Another time in second grade, I had a huge crush on a boy named Nathan. One day, he told me it would be really cool if I colored the inside of my desk with his highlighter. I was blinded by love, so I did it – and as soon as I did, he raised his hand and told on me. I was scolded in front of the whole class once again.
-One time in third grade, I was super sick and super nervous about a spelling test. My teacher called out the eighth word on the list and all of a sudden, I simultaneously threw up and shit myself, right there at the front of the classroom.
-When I was like 9, I decided it would be fun to run backwards at full speed down a grocery store aisle. I tripped over a shopping cart at the end of it and was launched a few feet in the air before doing a reverse belly flop on the floor of Tom Thumb.
-A friend let me borrow his motor scooter to test ride one day after school. I felt like waving to him from across the soccer field, and when I did, I lost control of the handle bar. I was thrown off and almost broke my arm…because I decided to wave.
-I was in line for the water fountain for what seemed like forever one day and when it was finally my turn, I drank a bunch of water at once and it went down the wrong pipe. I couldn’t control a cough and ended up spewing out a mouthful of water onto the girl behind me. Oops
-One time I tied my shoes together as a joke in middle school. I tripped and spilled everything and broke my favorite pair of shoes – in front of a cute boy.
-I told someone I was in love with him over AIM one time lmfao
-One time I fell asleep at the dentist’s, and woke up to myself projectile vomiting in the chair and her yanking her tools away from me. The song playing on my iPod when this all happened was “I’d Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About” by Mayday Parade. I’ll never forget.
-I got drunk on my 21st birthday and lied across a guy I never mentioned having a crush on to, while I was wearing a John McCain mask. A couple of weeks later, I told him about my feelings, and he replied with “thanks, dude”
-I had been hanging out with a dude for a couple of weeks in college, but when I refused a kiss from him, he refused any more dates with me
-One time I rear-ended three cars at once
-My mom had this callus cream by her sink last summer. I read “ultra softening” on the label and determined it would be okay to use on my face…immediately afterwards, my face starting burning and I looked like a monster for weeks
-I used Nair for face on my mustache a few hours before a date not too long ago. It burned my face off as well, but my date took me to a movie, so he didn’t have to see me in the light.
The list will continue as I see fit.
Enjoy your night ❤
America's most unwanted 